god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
