i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
