FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
