if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i think i have two assholes
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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