youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
