TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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