I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
