I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
