hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
