my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
