you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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