Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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