The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
