i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
