this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
