You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
