Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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