what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
