i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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