i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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