2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
