I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
