If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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