HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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