we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
