I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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