she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
false alarm, still single
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
