why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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