my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
