They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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