Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
