Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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