my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
