bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
