I want to make a zoo with you.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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