You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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