Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
