It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
