The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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