I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
