So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
