You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
