He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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