how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
