My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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