i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
