Already got asked if we're dating
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
