nut hugger
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
