so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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