I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
