I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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