update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
