Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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