My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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