The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
