youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
