I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
